Hello all! No I’m neglecting here on purpose just as usual so busy & tired I have no time to write. Since my last few posts Puck & I are fine, some stuff has been discussed & we will see what pisses me off in the next 2 – 3 month review. I realize this is what is going on, I get annoyed w/ certain things & I just can’t not do anything about it. I can say I’m hardening myself more & more to stuff, making it easier to handle what goes on. Since it’s happened I have seen less of him, not by my choice just how the work schedule is going. I have picked up a couple shifts to make up for what I have missed in the last couple months, that & to prepare for the holidays. They are coming quicker than I like to admit, & well I am thinking hard about what to get the closest people in my life. That’s just 4 people, life is really simple if you think about it, I just have Puck, Kat, Mom & J to buy for this year. One is easy Mom, the other three that’s freaking hard as hell. Though both my BGFS are readers, I like to be a bit more creative in the buying, then Puck, well, he is never easy to sniff out what to buy him. A bag of coffee definitely is something I will repeat from last year, I liked doing that. But what else?!

Our one year anniversary is on Monday & I’m really looking forward to it. Don’t know what we’ll do yet, I don’t expect anything huge. But it’s a milestone I would like to observe even if it’s just a peck on the cheek & a card. One year w/ a man that I am very much crazy about. Even when I’m upset w/ him I am no less crazy about him, just at times I admit disgruntled. Some days I just don’t know how to handle the ways I feel, but then again nothing is ever that easy & if it was then I wouldn’t trust it. Well it’s time to get ready for work I work for the next 5 days two of which are doubles unless my boss actually did change it like I requested, but knowing that crazy bitch it won’t. Anyways all is well, just tired, stiff, sore, & lastly busier than hell.

Mirrored from Selena.

I am sitting here I’m calm, I’m not crying uncontrollably (not that I have not teared up & let ‘em go here & there), I have slept the last two nights in a row just fine. I missed all the sleep I am going to & cried all the tears I think I could have back in September. Does it mean I feel any shittier? No. I love Puck & this is tearing me up, I’m at a cross roads here, do I bite the bullet grow some more patience, take him by the hand & lead him where I need him, or do I cut him loose? Love is not an easy thing, but I will not be taken for granted, nor have smoke blown up my ass about things I need to know. I will not have my time wasted either, not that I think I have wasted any of that in Puck’s presence, but I have wasted many a moment waiting for a fucking phone call! I’m not doing that anymore. I like answers for 1, & I like my phone calls returned so I can make plans w/ the short amount of time I have free. I am mostly angry at myself for letting myself be tied to my cell phone, but I’m upset b/c I’m forced to do so on a regular basis. I have always given Puck precedence to my time, & my friends get what’s left, I am trying to balance that a bit more these days btw. So when I waste 1/2 a day waiting for a call to do something, well it pisses me off! I could have been out w/ a girlfriend that would like to see me even if it was for a lunch date.

So answers yeah, I like them answered directly not have a 3 hour conversations that dance around truth & then when it’s winding down I get an idea of what may be going on. I only like to play Sherlock so far, I like challenges, but I can only look at someone’s ass so long & yet, no, I can not read their mind no matter how long I try. I can look at body language, & I can read inflections on conversation & get an idea. I admit I tend to take over conversations, I try not too, I try to catch myself, but I use my own experiences to relate to what is being conversed, but it happens & yes it becomes about me but it’s not conscious. My down fall maybe it is, I think it has much to do w/ being an only child. But you know what? It’s no excuse ,no it’s pretty lame, I’m self centered, I am egotistical, controlling, & hey I definitely am not perfect. But you know what I am genuine, & I have no problem telling you how it is. I am at times over trusting of others, I expect to be treated as I do, then when the shit hits the fan why am I surprised?! B/c I like to think the best of people. I like to find the good amongst all the shit that is handed to me. It’s my way, I don’t think that will ever change.

So is this relationship going to make it to the one year mark? Is it going to go further than that? I have no fucking clue! I know what I have to do over the next 2 years, I have an education to get. But in those two years I have allowed for the thought of involving one man to fit into that, b/c that is how I think. My plans include Puck, do you know why? B/c even though he may not at times may think he’s worthy, or worth the second thought, I very much think he is. He may not think he’s sexy as hell, but I do. He may not think he’s a winner, but I do. A good mate yeah, I think he would be too. He may be a flake at times, but I forgive. It may hurt & it may be confusing at times for me, & I may feel like a drowning man in the middle of the ocean, but the thing is I am still holding onto this very tiny fragment of the shipwreck, b/c no matter how grim, I still love. No matter how fruitless it may seem. I still believe no matter how battered my heart is, no matter how discouraged I feel right now, that for some stupid reason this is the man for me. I hurt right now & I am being a stubborn bitch, b/c I want his fucking attention. I walked out Sunday night b/c if I didn’t I would always just lay & take what ever it is handed me.

NO! I want a better explanation! I want Puck to tell me what he feels, I don’t want to sit & wonder what the hell is going on! I am standing my ground & if it ends the best thing I have ever felt, so be it. I want to fight for things as much as I want to be fought for. You want something it never should be so easy. I have never trusted anything that has come easy, I wait for chaos, it comes along soon enough, whether I make it or someone else does. Nothing in my life has EVER been easy. Love is one of those things, yeah, I find a part to love about someone, but Puck it’s not a part it’s the whole, & it agonizes me to no end everyday whether he loves me like I do him. So I guess all in all I’m asking him to shit or get off the fucking pot, b/c I can only take so much, before I realize maybe it’s all misguided & walk away. I need “I love you” every once in awhile face to face, not when I’m puking my guts up & suffering from bed spins(tho to think about it, to say that when I am at my most vulnerable & un-sexy is pretty fantastic, now that I think about it all, my reaction was shitty, but yeah I need to be looked in the eye once in awhile…), I am an insecure woman at times. No I’m a woman, no matter how much I deny the games that others may play, I am a woman, & to be a bit sure of myself here I’ll say the better woman at times.

Lastly before this goes on & on, I’m holding up pretty well, except it’s taking all I have to pick up the phone. HE called Monday, he sounded not only sick, but tired. It’s Wednesday morning now & I haven’t called him back. I give him credit for that. I don’t play typical woman games not normally, but I tell you this, I every once in awhile let my pride get in the way. This time yes it’s my fucking pride, I feel un-sexy, I feel stupid, I feel taken for granted, I FEEL STUPID. I have accepted this may be the end, but a small part of me just holds a small glimmer that it may not be. So I guess all in all in this rant is I love him, but fucking talk to me, respect my requests, b/c I have been so fucking patient, more than I ever have been, b/c no matter misguided it may seem, I’m only human & at times I do loose faith. *yeah I just finished 3/4 of a bottle of wine & I’m crying more than I like to admit than when I started* Oh well, some times drunken rants are just what is needed for the truth to finally surface, sucks, hate that it comes to use of a substance but hey again NOT fucking perfect! Hell just human & hurting for reason I can not account for all of!

Mirrored from Selena.

After a busy Saturday, I went over to Pucks to go to sleep & spend the rest of the weekend w/ him. It has been very nice just hanging out, I like that I don’t need to be on the go go go all the time. It was nice to be lazy, cuddle on the couch, make him dinner, just do nothing. We have both been run down w/ colds too. I know I probably asked at the wrong time, but I have been mustering up the courage to ask this question for some time now. I’ll be an adult & not give all the particulars. But I didn’t get an answer, I feel as if I am playing a big keep away game & I’m getting disheartened. I miss the feeling of being pursued, & lately it feels as if I’m doing most of it. Anyways I decided instead of sitting there w/ bullshit running through my head all night at his place, to just go ahead & pack up my stuff & go home. He did try to get me to stay, I realize what I did was probably drama queenish but, when you have so many emotions crashing in on you & you don’t know why, it is just best to bow out & sort out why the fuck you feel the way you do. It wasn’t a kind thing to do, I’m not angry, I’m just dealing w/ this big ball of hurt. There was no yelling, which is good.

I don’t know what’s going on anymore, I’m frustrated, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m down right disappointed. I don’t wanna break up w/ him I love him so very much, I just am trying to roll w/ stuff. But I feel at times as if I’m on the outside looking in. We are speaking two different languages & I am doing my best to interpret, I feel as if I’m not getting the gist of it. But since his trip I have been feeling increasingly on the outside, more than in. I am at a loss, & yes I feel foolish for just going home, but I am able to control my emotions better if I have a chance to look at them myself. This is not me breaking up w/ him I just don’t know how to do this some days & it fucking confounds me to no end. I love him for everything he is, but I sit & replay questions he has asked me that fill me w/ doubt. I may be newly divorced but it does not mean that I can not heal, find out who & what I am, find my independence, plus be head over heels about someone. There are some days I wonder what it would be like to go to bed & wake up w/ him everyday. B/c every time that I do wake up w/ him it’s the most indescribable feeling, but it feels good. what is my fucking issue? Or maybe it’s his I just don’t understand anymore. Love is a crazy fucked up thing & it is making me do some stuff I really don’t understand anymore.

Being on my own is a huge stressor, it is one that I am trying to tackle w/ grace, dignity, & lastly determination. I didn’t mean to fall in love along the way of growing up, but I find I want to grow up so that I can have someone in my life I feel as if I don’t want to be w/ out, I am delving deeper into unknown territory, it’s scary. I didn’t have these feelings toward anyone before, I’m lost. I ran away tonight & I do not know why. I do not know how to make requests, I have only known how to make demands to get my way, I don’t always ask questions about everything first, sometimes maybe I’m to afraid to ask, I jump in feet first, I’m not a half way in & out person, I am fiercely loyal, & very stubborn. I have given my heart, but it feels as if taken one day & given back the next, I love Puck, I want him in my life, I just need to figure out how, if that is what is meant to be. Why do I feel so fucked up right now?

Mirrored from Selena.

For the last three & a half days I have been sick. Part of it was physical, fever, upper respiratory crap, & today I think I’m just depressed a bit as well as sick. I have spent the last three days alone, just me the couch & what ever I could find on Netflix to instant download to the Xbox. I called Puck today & I have gotten no calls back since Thursday night when he called about his shitty day. I’m tired of this. Why is it I can never get a hold of him when something is up w/ me? Is he sick too? Again a mystery, I don’t get what is going on anymore. I’m tired of trying to rationalize what he does in my head. It always seems like I have to wait, & the waiting game is getting old. I get pissed over & over again when he doesn’t communicate w/ me, it’s a recurring theme. I’m sick of getting ill every couple months from my job, I’m sick of my job, & I’m sick of feeling like I’m an after thought. Hell at this point I don’t know if I am choosing the right path for me & it’s frightening. I am on my own & it’s an uphill battle for everything it seems. I’m tired & I should go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I won’t feel so sick.

Mirrored from Selena.

Yeah I couldn’t come up w/ a snappy title today. Life lately? Getting back to normal, my Puck & I are reestablishing after the month of not seeing one another really. I can say that I have seen him a bit since mom left, I even went to his place after work Saturday night & hot tubbed w/ him, & it seems when ever that man makes reference to the hot tub it seems it’s a bit of a booty call as well. *heeheehee* I had many tensions melted away last night. Things almost seem back to before he left for his vacation. Still no cell phone, I don’t know how patient I will be on this one. I pulled out my cooler weather clothes this past week, & I am sadly watching summer wane. I’m gearing up for the end of the year tho as well. The holidays will be here before we know it, & so much more.

I guess the most interesting & hard thing I am looking at these days is my friend Kat, she’s having it seems a sucky time of things. The man she loves is an bi polar ass, one day he loves her the next he’s telling her some rally nasty things. It hurts me to see her so down, & I really don’t know what to do to get her out of it all. She used to be a counselor & so she knows the run around. All I can say is I care & I wish I could make it all better. I feel as if my hands are tied. I hate watching her in the downward spiral, I was there last year, & the only one to get me out of it was me. She knows this, she just hasn’t gotten there yet. I hate seeing my loved ones in pain.

I broke down & re activated my Netflix account this last week, & felt none the guiltier for it, I’m glad I did it. I must say I am really liking having TV when I want it. I have read 4 or so books in the last 3 weeks, I guess I’m learning to make time for the things I enjoy in life. I find I am trying to fit friends in amongst all of this too, I have another good gal pal that really has been a shoulder to lean on when I was going through Hell week after the New Orleans debacle & need to make sure I stay in touch w/ her too. She is the sweetest thing & we have much in common. As for everything else I’m working on my music collection again a bit & working out too. Over all I’m busting some ass & I am liking it.

Mirrored from Selena.

I dropped my mother off at the ass crack of dawn today, to catch her plane. I actually got used to her being here over the last two weeks. It was difficult here the 1st couple days for me, but after sticking up for myself on a few things the rest of it went pretty swell. Puck was here a couple times & also took mom out this past Saturday while I was at work. They went to the effigy mounds including the surrounding area & had a great time from what my mom & Puck related to me. I am glad they did & that my mom & Puck had a chance to get to know one another w/o me being there.

As for Puck & I? Well, I can say I have seen him maybe 4-6 days in the past month & it has driven me batty as hell. But I can say that spending time w/ mom was good too, just wish I had gotten to speak or see him more during the time she was here. I kinda have an idea what it may be like when I go off to school in June, it’s gonna take some adjustment. How am I feeling about my relationship atm? I will state this, I love him very much, but communication is difficult yet, mom being around has hindered much of that. I have had many an input about things, & you know what? It’s my relationship & I have to figure out what makes me happy, not what others feel they would or would not deal w/. This relationship is still young, & it is gonna progress as it will, or as I stated before it may not. Does being alone & not in a relationship bother me in the least bit? I can say no it does not, I choose to stay w/ this man because I truly accept him as he is, maddening as he may be at times. I have never in my life been challenged in my relationship as I am day to day w/ Puck. I am learning to communicate w/ him & getting answers from him, which may I add is difficult b/c he is at times very guarded. Why do I even bother? The heart is not a logical thing, I have given him my heart, my logical mind is trying to pick up the pieces & put it all together.

They say the 1st year is a difficult step in a relationship, I can agree, I will admit there have been times I actually thought about walking away from it all. I still do. I have never felt so much uncertainty, I at times have never felt so alone while at the same time being w/ someone. I have been on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life in the past year I can not begin to relate it all. I have gone from ok I have a fun playmate, to hrm there is a little something else here, to fuck wow I’m in love, did I mention fearing much of it as I went? Yes I have had my heart torn to bits, yet I have offered it again, this time w/ reservations & the fearing rejection. I also don’t want to hurt anyone else in this journey either. I know I am no where near healed from all the other things in my life, but I am doing the work on myself, I am gaining confidence, & I am moving forward. I just hope it’s noticed, & that I do it b/c I know if I don’t, this too shall fail. They say third time is a charm, I very much want to prove that theory, not to just myself, but to anyone who doubts. I never allowed myself to grow up all these years & so now I am doing it in a accelerated rate, it’s not easy, I flounder, I panic, I cry, then I pick myself up & try again till I succeed. I have never in my life had to look at myself as much as I do these days. I sometimes really don’t like what I see, then I just have to remind myself what I have done so far, I really have learned to love myself, that is a new concept.

I have not lost faith in myself & what I am capable of, if anything I have gained more. I hope Puck sees this, I hope that he gives me a try for the long run. Do I feel stagnant or held back? No I do not, I at times feel as if I have more than adequate space to do what it is that must be done. I still don’t know all that I want in my life, I shift around on that, but what the hell do you expect?! I at times feel as if I am a teenager in a 32 year old’s body, just w/ some more impulse control & reasoning. I do know that my heart says yes, I realize when the going gets tough you stick by it & figure it the fuck out instead of running away. I have always ran away when it looked like things were grim, I don’t have that option anymore today b/c I do not allow it. So yes I doubt some days on a daily basis weather this relationship will succeed, yet b/c I feel that way I am compelled to figure out why I feel that way & much of it has to do w/ communication.

I have to learn how to pose probing questions as much as he does, & be able to make sure I get an answer that actually does answer the question. I have to find a way around the guards he has in place, I feel I have to show him I can be safe. I also have to feel safe in return, at this point I feel like I’m on thin ice in the middle of the pond. I guess I just need a good conversation & some reassurance every once in awhile, I don’t always get that. I have to decide if what I am getting is enough, or ask for more & if it is not returned, figure out again if I am willing to keep holding on or let go. I have a battle going on in my heart these days, but love for Puck still perseveres no matter how unsure I am about many things. Maybe I just over think it all.

Mirrored from Selena.

Well what have I been up lately & what happened when Puck got home I’m sure some of you are wondering. Puck got home the Monday before my mom got here, very early in the morning & slept most of the day. I ended up taking Monday off b/c over the 4 days previous I was just at a point where I was in no shape to function. He finally called me around 7 pm & I calmly asked some questions, then firmly stated I need for my piece of mind & in all fairness a cell phone. I actually took care of the conversation on the phone before I even got to his place, & the rest of the evening was spent just chatting about his trip & basking in his company. All is well in the Puck department, except I am horny as hell & well mom visiting does not help to help rectify said issue.

So mom has been here for week now & I can tell you up until a very good conversation last night, I was not all that comfortable w/ my mom being here. Everyone I’m sure is stressed when they are adults & have parents in close proximity for more than a few hours or a few days. I have admittedly felt like my home was being invaded, which I was able to convey to my mother in our conversation. Now I don’t feel that way, I really made some head way w/ my mom over many things. And I realize at times I still even at this age need a parent, now mind you I have not really let my mother be a parent to me in many many years. That & my mother really had not known how to be my parent either. Lets just say it was a real eye opening experience for us both, leaving s w/ many things resolved & answered.

Most of the conversations I have been having have been about self growth & work I must do on myself to make me healthy, & also make my relationships healthy as well. I have said it many a time I love Puck & want to spend my life w/ him if he so chooses. I have a long way to get there & so does he. I’m learning patience. A conversation I had w/ him the night before last after going out clubbing w/ him & my mom was also something that stuck out in my mind. He worries that being w/ him may be stifling me, or even that he a rebound relationship. In some ways yes he is, but I can say this I want this man enough I’m willing to make changes in myself, I’m willing to go the extra mile & do the work I need to do. I told him how deeply I feel for him, how I can imagine a life w/ him, but I also can not make him love me, & if it came down to it I would let him go if that is what it is to happen. But over all I relayed that I care enough to do the work, & to please not give up on me. We all do our work at different paces, & different ways, just because he handled things the way he did, did not mean that I handled them in the same fashion.

Yesterday before he left, I’m sure this was promoted by the fact that my 1st ex husband was here visiting as well as well as another friend, & my ex spoke at length w/ my mother & we were all looking at pictures of our child. He asked me why I never had children w/ my 2nd ex, I realize I didn’t quite answer that question to the fullest, I really do need to exemplify on that. *sigh* I really have no clear answer as to why, other than it just never felt right one, two I was very afraid to go off my medications & loose the functionality I had worked so hard to have, & third I was still not comfortable about who I was, I couldn’t justify having children w/ my life in such personal upheaval. Today I can say after I have gotten my education & a decent job, I have no issue w/ having children & want them very much, I hope it’s w/ Puck. If I don’t that’s ok too, I have no problem at this point in my life to raise a child on my own, when I have done what I need to do. Yes my clock is ticking at me, but it is not the reason I have chosen Puck as my mate, he just does many things for me I can not even begin to explain & at times fathom.

Speaking of my 1st ex I had not seen him other than chance run ins around town for 10 years, & my mother had not met him ever. It was interesting to visit & be able to talk about our past face to face in a really safe & comfy environment. I had my past, my present & my future sitting all together in my living room yesterday, I can say it was a bit scary at 1st, but once we settled in I got quite comfortable & really enjoyed taking them all in. It was nice to be honest & laugh w/ people that knew me intimately at different stages in my life, & to talk about old times. It I must say is very different to see the man I 1st married so mature. It was very interesting to have Puck there, I hope he has gathered enough on his reconnasance missions to start putting things together. All I will end this with is this, unconditional love is very interesting thing, I have not felt it before, I know what it is now & I’m learning to put it all into an introspective perspective.

Mirrored from Selena.

I’m just about to go to work here in an hour, but I just need to dump a bit. I miss Puck, I’m sad about certain things, but I love him none the less. He called Weds from a different number than he had called me on the last couple times, I was curious so I looked up the area code no biggie right? He was in New Orleans when he called, he just said to me he made it to the beach didn’t tell me where he was, & so when I found out I was really upset. I tried calling him yesterday in the morning from the number he called from & I had a bit of a surprise, someone other than he answered his phone, a female someone. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but it doesn’t look good. It may have been a staff member picking up b/c he didn’t answer, who the hell knows. I am confident enough in my relationship w/ him, that it is not what it looks like. I have to admit I was shocked, & I cried all day yesterday & didn’t eat. But today I am holding my head up high, my mother is here in 4 days I’m getting ready for that, he should be home soon & we’ll get this talked out. I’ll get an an explanation, & I’m going to be calm. It’s not like I have not had my own little romps in the beginning, I can forgive as he has done, & I love him enough to do so.

I have run the gambit of emotions, over the last couple days, I’m hurt more than anything he just couldn’t say ” Hey I just wanted a few days alone in New Orleans before coming home.” I don’t care that he’s there, he deserves a vacation, he’s had it rough at work lately. If I were him that’s what I would have done. My nerves are just shot from this, I’m still a human being & what am I supposed to think? He may be mad I called there, he may even get mad that I am writing about it, but I have waited till I was past all my emotions before I wrote this. I’ll accept the consequences too, I’m a big girl & I’ll take my lumps. I can’t cry anymore right now I’m just numb, I’m not angry, but I just feel this great need to just see him, it’s been two weeks now & it’s just breaking me up inside. I want to hug him, I want to know what is going on in that head of his, but over all I realize in his absence how much I really love him, & how much I have grown as we have gone down this path. If this was any other situation I would be calling him constantly till he answered, I know that is not the way, so one call to let him know I knew where he was, was all I wanted to deliver.

He will take it any way he wants to. I’m just deciding not to make a huge deal about it, it’s just another thing I have to establish my boundaries on. I don’t care if you want to do something on the fly, just let me know, I really am learning to accept this is his way, he’s 43 it’s not going to change. I’m 32 & I’m still figuring out certain things but I know what I want, & if I want certain things respected, or known, I need to communicate. Puck, also needs to figure out how to do so as well. I know this all sounds like I’m being a doormat or defending his actions. But Puck is the man I have decided if all goes right & well, that I want to be w/ till the day I no longer exist on this earth. When you realize you love someone as much as I realize I do, sometimes you have to rattle the cage a bit & fight for what you want. The hardest part is not knowing what is going on right now. I hate unknowns, I hate uncertainty, I feel as if I am purgatory right now. I just have to look at this in different lights, & he doesn’t do things the way I do, I have accepted that. I have made my decision, he’s the man I love till he tells me he’s not the man I should love, if he decides it no longer is working, I will just cope. I know how love can burn, I have many scars, what is a few more, if that is what it comes down to, I accept.

Mirrored from Selena.

Well it has been a week now since Puck went to South Carolina, & Friday it hit me, I miss the hell out of him. He called me yesterday before work, it was a wonderful 8 min conversation. He is still cooking up the idea that he is gonna make a still for making hooch. Goofy shit, love him dearly b/c of the crazy boy stuff he decides to do. He said he is possibly starting home today, I will wait & see. In the week that he has been gone though I have been really alright, two phone calls were enough for me to not feel like I was being “left behind” so to speak. It is really interesting to actually communicate in adult ways & have the adult requests granted. I asked for at least a phone call every couple days or so & he has done it, it makes me feel good. I said I love you as we hung up yesterday & he said it right back. In 26 days we will have dated 11 months, where has almost a year gone?! October 25th is coming on us soon, I have to figure out something nice to commemorate our 1st date. God only knows what my man has in store. I don’t care if a big deal is made or if its a hey we made it a year, cool. Making big deals of things have become less important to me, it’s whom & what I have in my life that’s the big deal.

My 1st Saturday by myself this week was interesting, I of course have jumped back on the band wagon of doing a massage here & there. My people need me, & well to tell you the truth I need my people. Massage puts me in good head space, it also strengthens my mind & body. I am in need of both. I actually took almost a good four months off from taking care of people in the way of massage. I realized I missed it & making a bit of extra cash wasn’t too shabby too. So my adopted parents had a terrible tragedy last month, & well I stepped up to the plate & took care of them the best way I could. I still am feeling good a week later b/c of what I can do. I helped people in their grief, that is an honor to be in a person’s life in a time like this, it was an honor to know I can be a comfort. After that a friend I met through Puck, last year gave me a jingle & we spent the better part of the evening hanging out having a good time. We went to my neighborhood bar, ate bar food, listened to a great performer, & then ate ice cream from cold stone in the Iowa City ped mall whilst people watching. Sunday I spent the day relaxing, after performing a massage for another really great client. I have been working since Monday, did another massage on Friday & here it is Sunday again.

Friday after my one massage I had Wiz kid (a good friend of mine from work) & Kat over (my best friend) for a bit. Kat has been having terrible headaches so she also has received my healing services yet again. I feel good being able to give myself in this capacity again. Last night was a pretty typical Saturday at work except after, I ended up at a local bar w/ two of my co workers, had a beer & spent the rest of the night at my place keeping one of them from getting too fucked up. He just broke up w/ his wife & is going through some rough shit. He slept on the couch after awhile & is taking a nap after a pretty good breakfast consisting of an omelet & french toast, we are due at work in a couple hours. It seems I have become the comforter in people’s lives & am making more friends than I ever have in my life. I’m learning how to keep ‘em too. How did I get to this point in my life where I have my head screwed on pretty well? It’s surreal. So here I am, I need a shower, & to get my new friend up & running here soon so we can get ready for another great day at the facility ( *snorts* I swear to gawd other than the people I work w/ & my residents some days I feel like I work in hell!).

Mirrored from Selena.

So this last weekend Puck was not here he started his trek to South Carolina Saturday very early in the morning. But it seems that other people very much wanted to see me this past week & weekend. Clients that I have had for some time called, & I made appointments for them. I am doing massage again. It seems when I told myself it may be time for a part time job, my phone rang, when I realized I wanted to hang out w/ people my phone rang. My weekend was filled & I didn’t miss my sweetheart as much. It felt good to do 4 massages in a week, it felt good to have a few extra bucks in my pocket too.

It is really time for me to work on my physical body again too, my mental body is getting to be pretty good. But I am going up again, most people loose weight in the summer gain in winter, I’m the opposite, I have been climbing a bit since we got back from Spank, & you know what? It’s unacceptable! Puck works very hard to keep himself in shape, & it shames me at times he busts his butt to look good & stay healthy, & here I am eating like a cow, not putting any effort into me. I can not go back to that person I was trapped within my own flesh, yet I still shove the food in, & yet I don’t do a thing to really help myself. I am making an effort for the month of September to do something, hell why wait till September? I’m starting tomorrow, no excuses, no feeling sorry for me. Why wait till tomorrow? Well it’s almost time to start getting ready for work & that gives me one last day to be lazy *lol*. I’m not gonna stop eating what I like to eat, but I can tell you my portions are out of control, & I need to revisit “I Can Make You Thin” it did work for me for a awhile, I have no doubt I can make it work for me again, it motivates me & that is what I need. Then I need to pull out the work out stuff & get me going again. Hahaha a plan, I think I have one! Alrighty then, it is time for me to get ready to go to work, & get a few more things done before I leave.

Mirrored from Selena.